On a more positive note, Tom and I talked for about an hour and a half last night, and for about 45 minutes this morning. He's so...I don't know. I just don't have the words to describe what he is.
Last night, I asked him to tell me about his drug usage. He (like most people) knows how I feel about drugs and alcohol. I don't care who does them, I just refuse to associate myself with those people while they're looking for a high or while they're high. People just don't realize how shitty (for a lack of a better word) they are when taken over by the affects of their illegal drug (and legal drugs, like prescriptions) usage. It's important for me to know what extent Tom has encountered with his drug usage.
My dad has always been the prime example of why I don't want a significant other that has an alcohol or drug addiction. My significant has to be clean in terms of drugs. Occasional drinking is okay, but I'd prefer for him to stay totally sober. I don't, can't, and won't tolerate alcoholics or druggies.
Tom answered me by saying that he "smoked a lot of hash between the ages of 15 and 17." I don't like his usage of the words 'a lot.' That bugs me. He said that he always engaged in social drug and alcohol use, that he never had the balls to do it by himself. That's not exactly comforting to me. I believe that social usage of such products derives from giving into peer pressure. Mostly I believe that giving into the negative influences of friends shows a sign of personal weakness. That may be completely off, but it's just how I see things.
Peer pressure has never been something that I've been completely swayed by. I'll admit that I did feel it's influences when I began middle school (around the ages of 11 and 12), but I don't recall any instances when I completely disregarded my own morals to fit in. From the time I was 13 and on, I hardly ever paid attention to the thoughts of my peers. I guess it's because I just don't give a shit.
See, a lot of kids don't realize how using and abusing alcohol and drugs will affect their lives and the lives of their loved ones. They also don't see how the opinions of their fellow peers won't mean much to them in five years. Sometimes, teenagers just don't have a solid sense of self. Being insecure or afraid of mass rejection can really mess with kids' minds. It can be hard to visualize the long term, when the short term seems so depressing.
I was lucky enough to have a pretty solid sense of self. Living with my dad was hell, but I learned more about who I really was (and am), and about the qualities that I liked and disliked in others, as well as myself. I do see that entire situation as a necessary evil. When I think about it, I'm not sure if I would've traded my experiences involving my dad. They were awful, no doubt, and I fell into a terrible depression (greatly influenced by his actions), but I learned so much. That whole period helped mold me into who I am.
I like who I am. Even with my insecurities, body image problems, and emotional issues, at the end of the day, I like me. It is fortunate that I see the good in myself, as well as the bad; there are those out there who have no clue who they really are. Eventually, they will learn. We all do.
It's just that the learning process isn't always under the best circumstances. That's life, though.
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