The L word was slipped into our conversation today. He said it. I didn't. The word 'might' was also used along with the L word.
There's no point in lying about the fact that I'm a little unsure of how to feel about that word. On one hand, there's this great guy who is great and makes me feel great. On the other, there's my self-consciousness and self-doubt, both which tell me that I'm not worthy, that it wouldn't work, and that he deserves much, much better.
I really hate the negativity that floats around in my head. It tears me apart. Feeling this tremendous amount of want--wanting him, because, let's face it, I do--only intensifies my feelings of self-doubt. Wanting him, in whatever way I can have him, only reminds me of how disappointing I am. Anyone who knows me, who truly has a clue as to what goes on in my head, has been on this trip before.
Alisha just doesn't feel like she's good enough for the opposite sex.
Maybe I am. It's possible. I've been told that I am. I even believe that I am.
But I also believe that I need to stop lying to myself, that I'm not worthy of attention, and that I should learn to stop putting myself in situations which will ultimately lead to me being rejected. It is beginning to dawn on me that I fear rejection, so I reject my feelings and I reject the feelings of others, just to save me from the ultimate rejection of all. I'm scared of being hurt, because I know how it will affect me. Every time I get hurt, I just get a bit more depressed. Maybe therapy will help. I wasn't attending therapy before, but now that I have Cathy, maybe I can learn how to control my sense of rejection.
Even through all of the self doubt that I feel, none of it even comes close to how much I feel for him. There aren't even words to describe what and how much I admire, respect, and care for him. It's something that consumes me and I get lost in all these warm, floaty feelings. With everything that I feel, one would think that I find it hard to even speak when he calls. However, I'm always chatty. I find myself being so comfortable that I don't even notice my flaws.
That doesn't happen with everyone. I'm usually too aware of all that I'm lacking. It's as though he makes the bad in me disappear. On second thought, I think that I'm just too into him to notice all the things that I find wrong with myself.
He just makes me feel, and always in the most positive ways. So, maybe things won't turn out with the happy ending I start out believing will happen. Right now, I don't care. Let me experience what is right there in my face. It could be good, it could be bad. One thing is for sure, it will be a learning experience. I'm prepared to learn, though, especially if Tom is part of the lesson.
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