Reading other people's thoughts, especially people whom I care about, can be vexing. Knowing that they're depressed, or feeling trapped, makes me want to scream. I'm sick of depression, both in myself and in others.
It is so much easier to be depressed. At least, it's easy for me. The real challenge that I face is learning how to be happy, and how to become able to maintain that happiness. A few of my friends face the same challenge, though I'm not sure that all of them know that yet.
Right now, I'm not depressed. I haven't felt any kind of depression in about two days. That is something to celebrate.
That last sentence is a sad example of how I look at things.
Celebration over two days of contentment, Alisha?
I'd celebrate two hours of happiness, if it were the case.
That's not normal.
I never claimed to be normal.
You want normalcy, don't you?
More than you realize my friend, more than you realize.
It's possible, you know.
That's more optimism than I can handle.
I'm getting better. The closer I look, the more holes I see in the foggy depression that's within.
So, because of this mood that I'm in, I feel like shaking every person who feels depressed/sad/screwed up/lonely/scared [pick your favorite choice] and tell them, "Get help you stupid fuck! You might not think that you're depressed enough for therapy and/or antidepressants, but I say that you should think again. GET HELP! Don't live your life in a constant state of depression. I did that for close to four years, and look where it got me. You don't want to be like this. I don't want to see you like this."
No one will ever know just how strongly I feel about depression. My relationship with it is long and deep; there was a time when the two of us were essentially one. I wallowed in despair for so long, yearning help so bad that I could feel my heart being yanked at. Still, it took me an extremely long time to openly admit that I need help.
God, no one should live like that. People do, when they don't have to. That's the part that I want to beat into the heads of those who are depressed: You don't have to! You're being an incredible stupid fucker for thinking that this is the only way of life.
The more that I think about it, the angrier I get. I just don't want other people to make the same mistakes that I did. If you're depressed, get help as fast and as soon as you can.
Right now I feel the need to punch, scream at, kick, and generally send to intensive care, one person. This person means a lot to me, but I don't think that she sees what she's doing to herself. She complains of things that she can change. Her family is fucked up, but guess what -- every family is fucked up in their own little fucked up ways. She says that she's screwed up, but there are ways to fix her screw ups. Maybe she dislikes herself -- it is possible.
I'm afraid that she'll destroy herself one day. That would be a terrible loss, because she is so smart. Perhaps she doesn't realize it, but she will one day do great things. I'm certain of that.
But first, she needs help. I'm willing to assist. I'm not willing to listen to her complaints of things she hasn't attempted to change.
The girl that I'm describing sounds so much like myself that you're probably thinking that I'm speaking of myself. But, I'm not. No, this girl is not Alisha. We are similar, but not the same.
I'm on my way to recovery. She's at a crossroad where she'll either choose a Candyland type experience, or fall into the land of lost and forgotten game pieces.
Life is not a game to be envied. It isn't even a game. There are no time outs. Live with all you have, because you're only going to live once.
And what if you don't want to live?
Suicide hotline, please hold...
There are other ways out.
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