There is something that I don't want to admit. This thing just can't happen, not right now. I've been feeling kind of okay, so this just cannot happen right now.
My problem is this: I'm beginning to feel depressed.
For no apparent reason, it is creeping up on me.
When I think about it, I have to admit that there are a few things that haven't been all that great. I've been increasingly tired. Even with my Remeron, I still can't find it in me to sleep. With very little shut eye, I find it hard to complete necessary tasks. Spacing out becomes a problem because of my lack of sleep. I just go off into another world, one which I can't remember when I snap back to reality, and stay that way for hours. Depending on how far out I am, it is still possible for me to do everyday tasks. It is not unusual for me to space out as I'm driving, doing school work (which isn't recommendable, because the work ends up being very unproductive and not fit to turn in), be in the company of friends, and hold discussions (which is similar to the results of my school work while out of it).
Being so tired and taking so many medications always gets to me, especially when I'm in school. I get so fatigued and feel so confused from my thoughts -- both have negative affects on my mood. It is hard to do my work, and this is only the seventh day of school. It really doesn't take too long to fall into the same grind. I'd planned on taking 45 minute naps after I return home from school everyday, but that plan hasn't really worked. I'm too hot and nasty feeling to sleep; all I want to do is sit down and chill out for a while. Once I do that though, a drained feeling comes over me. That drained feeling just adds to my general crappy feeling.
Why do I feel like this? What is so fucked up in me that causes such feelings of worthlessness, irritability, and hatred (towards world, as well as myself)? Why do I have to feel like this now?
I wanted this year to be different. My depression seemed to have subsided a bit (a great deal, really, but then that would give you the wrong impression; a great deal to the depressed, yet a small bit in terms of the improvements I've yet to make). I really thought that I could make this year a happy one. I really would like to feel completely normal for once, because I know that my normalcy would transform my work, which would help my GPA.
I'm not in too deep yet, but just having my toes stuck in farther than need be, is making me worry. Please don't let this last. Let it be a night of depression, with tomorrow being a normal day. Don't let this stick around.
I just don't want to handle it right now.
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