I'm still very happy and in a good mood, but my mood has come down a notch since my mom came home. She always brings me down. I don't know what it is, but my mom's very presence agitates me. My therapist keeps telling me that my feelings towards my mom are normal teenaged feelings.
I, however, do not agree.
I love my mom. We're close -- a little too close. She tries to be my best friend, but she just can't compete. My best friends, all three of them, bring out my good qualities. They laugh at the same things I do. They find the quirkiness in strange things. I don't have to explain myself to them. Above all, I can tell them exactly how I feel -- Christina being the one that hears the most.
My mom, however, doesn't understand me at all. I'm constantly being questioned by her. I try to explain, but she doesn't comprehend me. We're a lot alike, but we're too different for each other.
She thinks we're closer than we actually are. I feel bad about that sometimes. She wants to go out, go shopping, go here, go there, just go, go, go. She likes for me to come along with her, to give her company. I, on the other hand, like to stay at home. I am a homebody. I like to stay in a peaceful environment. I find people to be scary sometimes. I don't like being out in public much. A lot of the time, when I'm in public, I begin to fidget (as I'm always doing) and I search for something to do or say to occupy the awkwardness I feel. When I'm out with my friends, I don't feel as strange, but it's always there. I don't know what it is, but being in public, around a lot of people, just gets me very weird out.
Doing nothing, just staying at home, hanging out -- I enjoy that. I like to read, write, sleep, and stay on the Internet too long (thanks to unlimited AOL). My mom can't handle staying still. She has to be moving to stay happy. She doesn't understand why I'm not the same way.
I become so unhappy around her because I feel as if I have to be someone else. I can't be Alisha around her. I have to be a prepped up, lighthearted, good-natured person when I'm with my mom. Things must not get bad; she just wants a good version of me, and I only want to stop faking.
I hate playing the part of someone I'm not. I don't have the patience of the will to keep the act up.
My mom needs friends. She needs other people besides myself to keep her company. I can't stand her 85% of the time. Just knowing she's near me brings me down.
When I finally move out on my own, I'm going to be like Christina -- keep my distance from my family. They'll probably be lucky if they ever get a phone call from me. I like being secluded. Happiness comes from being by myself.
I just have to watch myself, though, because sometimes I get a little too secluded. Maybe that's something my mom recognizes and tries to prevent. I know she's only looking out for my well being, but sometimes I just can't shake the feeling that it would be good (for me) to strangle her. I just can't take her. My nerves were not made to put up with my mom.
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