I feel emotionally drained. I have no reason to feel this way. Do I ever, though?
I physically hurt.
I hate myself.
I don't feel loved. I don't feel as if I'm capable of loving anyone else.
I don't know how to act around people. I get scared of them, and in return, I scare them. My tone of voice hides what I really feel. That's only sometimes, though. There are times when my voice gives as much emotion (i.e. none) as I feel inside.
There is a side of me that would like to just die. It's going to happen one day, why not just get on with it? What do I have to live for? Is there anything that I should look forward to? I mean, waking up knowing that I'm alive just isn't the kind of thing that makes my day. Oh woop-de-do! The sun is shining and the fucking birds are chirping. If it were up to me, there would be total darkness. If I've got to keep on breathing, at least give me some fucking peace.
There's another side of me, one which peaks in and out. Sometimes it stays around for a while. It's that happy side of me. That side likes hearing the birds chirp in the morning (although chirping shouldn't start until a decent hour -- say 9 o'clock). My happy side gets buried under a lot of other shit. I'm not even sure how to bring it out, but I wish that I could. Right now I'd like to be happy.
At least, I think that I'd like to be happy.
My mom thinks that I enjoy being depressed. Oh yeah, I just love that hollow feeling from inside that accompanies soul-stealing pain, hate, and morbid thoughts. There's really nothing like thinking about suicide to make me think, "Oh gee, golly...such fun!"
Fuck it. I don't have the balls to kill myself. There was a time when I truly did, but that was years ago when things were much harsher than they are now. So, I will put up with the shit that I feel. I will try to interact with people, when I'd give anything to just be left alone. Rotting away from my own self-inflictions would be a hell of a lot easier than being a productive member of society.
I'm productive, all right. I've produced a hell from which I am now experiencing life.
Aren't I just the luckiest little girl you've ever seen?
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