I was looking through the archives on bought and sold out in the usa, which is a blog of mine on blogspot.com. I found a few entries which I really liked. I know that sounds weird, but when I look through things that I've written in the past, all that I notice are the mistakes or general deficiency.

I like the entry from Sunday, May 25, 2003. This is what I wrote:

In More, Now, Again, Elizabeth Wurtzel wrote, "I keep thinking that it will be nice to see my mother...when I am straight. And then I remember that I feel trapped in the car with my mother when I don't have any Ritalin to do, that I always have to load up on it when I know she will be coming to pick me up to go food shopping or visit my cousins or whatever. My mother makes me feel suffocated. She always has...I miss her desperately when I have not seen her for a while, and then, as soon as she is anywhere near me, I feel like I am choking...She demands this, she wants to know that, I am her only child, she has never remarried and she smothers me with her love and need...I am the person that my mother is closest with in the world -- and vice versa, I sometimes think -- and she does not know me, or want to know me, at all."

I can relate to everything that I just quoted. I love my mom, I really do, but I can't stand to be around her. Sometimes it's okay, and we get along great, but then there are these times when I feel like I could kill her. My only purpose for wanting to murder her would be to just have a little time to myself. My mom doesn't have any friends that she can get together with on the weekends...

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To finish what I began to write, it is true that my mom has no friends to hang out with on the weekends. My Mema (her mom) was my mom's best friend. They did everything together. They grocery shopped, department store hopped, and clothes swapped all of the time. Sadly, Mema died Friday, December 13, 2002. She almost made it to her 71st birthday (Jan. 19). Since the death of Mema, my mom has depended on me to be her source of companionship.

I'm not sure how I feel about her dependency. I love my mom, I really do, but sometimes I just can't stand to be within 150 miles of her. I get the feeling that she doesn't understand that when I say I want to go out on Saturday night, I mean that I want to go out with my friends. She would rather drag me along with her to a movie on Saturday night. She says, "Well, they can meet us there. They can sit by you, if they want to. But, I would rather the two of us go to the movie. I've been wanting to see it as much as you have." That kind of thing makes me feel bad for not wanting to be around her. She lays on the guilt like she lays butter to bread: real thick.

My mom also seems to think that it's her fault for me being depressed. She keeps asking me what she did to make me this way. Was it how she's raised me for the past three years, since my dad left? Was it because she stayed with my dad, even though he caused so much shit? At first, it really was about my dad and how much I hated him. When he lived here, around 1999-2000ish, I wanted to kill him almost as badly as I wanted to kill myself. It's not really about him anymore. I'm not sure what it's about. It's really fucked up because I don't have a reason to be depressed anymore, but that doesn't mean that I'm not depressed.

I'm always happy for a bit of a breather from my mom, even if it's just for an hour or two. Once I've had a break, I'm happy for her to come home. It doesn't take long for me to begin wanting another break, though. I love her. Really, I do.