This e-mail to Baboo details the more important events and feelings that I have been dealing with for the past day or so.
Baboo,
Is it strange that I feel kind of happy, but also kind of sad...all for no reason?
Last night I was going to go out, but Christina called me to say that she wasn’t feeling well and wanted to stay home, and I couldn’t get up with Tiffany or Lisa, so I just stayed home. It wasn’t so bad though, because my mom had rented some movies. She and I watched the second Charlie’s Angels DVD, and afterwards--though it was only 10:15—I took my medicine and told mama that I was going to bed. Before I laid down, I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. For some unknown reason, I started crying while I was brushing them. I made sure that I was quiet about it because I didn’t want my mom to get upset over me.
I regained my composure, went into her room and kissed her goodnight, then went to my own bedroom and got in bed. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I went to trying. To muffle the sound, I cried into my pillow as I always do.
My jaw wasn’t hurting me, I wasn’t all that upset about not going out, and I hadn’t had a bad day. The only thing that could have triggered all that crying is this stupid feeling that I have been having the past few weeks that has done nothing but build up with every passing day. I just feel so...alone.
I know that there are people who love and care for me. I know that they are there for me. But even when I am with a group of people, or maybe just a few, I still can’t help feeling isolated and detached.
I am not even close to being depressed--not all of the time, at least. For the most part, I feel okay...sort of. It is just that I get down for no reason. I am just sick and tired of it. When it comes over me, life is unbearable but I don’t feel the need to kill myself (just to let you know).
I really don’t know what to say...I am just tired of this shit.
-Alisha
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