It would seem that I am stuck in the mode of not writing out how I’ve felt about certain situations that I’ve been in lately. Though I needed to get some things off of my mind, I just never found the time or make the effort to let everything flow from my head to my hands.
For the most part, I just don’t want to feel some of the shit that’s happened lately. I would much rather block those feelings (mostly negative and hostile) out, leaving them to simmer until my next inappropriate breakdown (which happen about every 3 months).
This afternoon felt as if it were a good time for one of those outbursts of emotion. However, I held back everything that wanted to stream out, mostly because I was driving at the time and felt that it would be unsafe to have a meltdown in the middle of traffic. By the time I got home, I felt so drained from physical and mental pain that I didn’t have the energy needed to breakdown.
Even with Baboo’s afternoon call, which was the first of its kind (for a weekday of the school year), I still was unable to get out of my crappy mood. Chronic pain (mine at least) is unbearable, yet I still bare it. How that is, I am not sure. Sometimes I wish that I could just be weak and have it take me over, leaving me with the supervision of someone who could deal with my life for me.
As it is, there is just me. Most of the time I feel as though that’s just not enough.
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